Guys, as most of us are good people
that consistently go out of our way to make relationships work, it can
sometimes be confusing to figure out exactly why we’ve dumped. So I’ve put in
the leg work to decipher these common woman-speak phrases into normal, everyday
English that we can all understand, so at the very least we can know what’s
really going on. Ladies, if you read this keep in mind that we now know what
you’re really saying, so there’s no reason to keep sugar coating things. We’re
men. We’re resilient. We’re tough. We can handle the truth. Besides, it’s your loss
anyway…
1) “I’ve been thinking a lot
lately…” Your average break-up spiel will usually start along these lines. This
is rarely, if ever, true. The truth usually lies somewhere in the “My
friends/family/coworkers have been spoon feeding me a lot of shit about you lately…”
2) “It’s not you, it’s me” (or some
derivative thereof). This one is so popular that it has become cliché, and its
popularity is due to the fact that it is fucking easy. This one doesn’t need
much translating, as it is almost always true, but never for the reasons the
speaker thinks.
3) “I still want to be friends.”
This is a sneaky little fucker, as it can have multiple meanings. From the
manipulative but otherwise harmless, “I’ll keep in touch so I can try to string
you along any time I need something” to the downright fucked up, “I cannot wait
to get a new guy so I can rub your nose in it.”
4) “I still love you.” Same general
jist as above, but with a couple added twists. The first being, “if the next
guy doesn’t work out I’m going to come to you to complain about him in an
effort to make you feel like an emasculated pussy”. The second meaning can be a set-up for
meaningless sessions of fuck-buddyhood, “I don’t want to have anything serious
to do with you, but I don’t want my bed to go cold before I get the next sucker
in it.”
5) “I’m just so busy.” This just
may be the most insulting of all when you really think about it. Unless the
woman in question is the head of a major nation, there is nothing going on in
her life that is so damned important that she can’t make a little time.
Translated into normal English it goes something like, “I would rather sit in
the waiting room while my neighbor’s cousin’s dog gets its teeth scraped than
spend time with you”.
6) “I need some time alone.” This
one is more a sin of omission than a lie. The full idea behind the phrase is,
“I want to fuck someone else, but I don’t have anyone lined up right now
(alternately; I have someone lined up but I don’t want to look like a big ol' mattress
hoppin’ whore frog), so there will be a small window of time where I am alone.
So, yeah, I need some time alone”.
7) “I’m not ready for a
relationship right now.” This is another example of women not quite saying
everything. The full phrase should be, “I’m not ready for a relationship with you
right now.” Because, let’s face it, nine times out of ten, the woman who says
this already has someone else taking ghost swings on deck.
8) “There’s nothing wrong with you
as a person.” This, basically, means exactly the opposite of what it is trying
to say. “There is something that I don’t like about you, but whatever that
something is it is so insignificant that if I actually say it even I will think
I’m a shallow bitch.”
9) “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Using this line in a break-up context makes about as much sense as saying it
right before intentionally running someone down with a Mack truck. The
translation of this one is, “I am going to reach inside of you, rip your
still-beating heart out of your asshole, and then show it to you, but I’m going
to tear up a little and tell you I don’t want it to hurt.” Like above, this one
is designed more to make the speaker feel less guilt than to actually ease the
pain of the listener.
10) “You’re a great guy.” First of all, you’re
goddamn right. Secondly, we can all now know what women really mean by this is,
“I can only feel whole as a person when my significant other treats me like
shit and gives me something to bitch about, so you’ve gotta go.” Happily.
